Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
they're like a gay fantastic four
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
