for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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