how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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