Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
