I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
