24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
