it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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