Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
