so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
