I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
