i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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