They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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