Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
