I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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