one two three fourrrrnication!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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