Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
