I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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