My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize