Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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