Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
