I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
