I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
