Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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