Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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