You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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