I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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