I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i think i have two assholes
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
