We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
