Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
