Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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