Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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