today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
