If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
