So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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