A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
