yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
