Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
All I want is dick and wine.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
