i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
