i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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