Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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