How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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