dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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