my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
