So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
