I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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