Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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