fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
