hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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