Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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