you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
