i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize