Just fell off a train. Bad.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
In other news, I just burned my penis
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Randomize
