He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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