This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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