I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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