you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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