I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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