Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
