He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize