Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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