he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
