Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
