I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
