How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Welp...herpes.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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